I hate how he does this. He acts like everything is a huge deal, and that’s he’s some kind of saint for doing something that takes practically no effort.
My usual ride to MYV isn’t going this week, so I asked my dad if he would drive me there. Not even asking him to drive me back, just there. I’ve already missed the last meeting, and if I don’t go to this one, I may look like I’m not dependable and as a result lose what is literally —no exaggeration— the opportunity of a lifetime. I’ve never asked for a ride to MYV before, and I wouldn’t have from him if this weren’t the case. I offered to take the bus, which I would need his permission to do, and he just like, kept going on about what an inconvenience it was for him, as if he didn’t hear me, while he’s literally just sitting on the goddamn couch watching television and that’s all he’s done all day and that’s all he’ll do today.
It just pisses me off so much, the way he talks to me, the way he acts like I’ve done something wrong for asking my father for a ride to a fucking extracurricular activity that like, isn’t really even recreational unless you’re a dork, which I am, but that’s not the point. He talks to me like I’m a bad person or something, or like I’ve caused some major catastrophe that he has to fix. I don’t ask him for anything, like, ever. Like, I make it a point to only ask my mom for things. If my mom isn’t home, I won’t go out with friends because that involves kind of asking/telling my dad that I’m going out. I never ask him to sign anything for school, and I didn’t ask him to look over my rough draft or final junior paper, even though we were supposed to. I never call him from school or anything like that. We only talk when he initiates conversation now, and even then it’s only ever so that I’ll be an audience to some joke for him or so I’ll agree with something he says. I’ve never asked him to judge at debate, he’s never been my ride to or from a competition, and I don’t bother him with results. He doesn’t care how I do. I asked for one fucking ride, one way, to MYV, one time.
Oh. My. God. Wow. I just called my mom to see if she’d be able to pick me up when it’s over, and of course she’s like, the only one here that could possibly be inconvenienced but she tries to make it work, and she wanted to talk to my dad, but I was like he’s already stressed out, and now I’m stressed out because I need to be there, and she’s like, okay, I’ll text you in a min. So then we hung up and I heard my dad’s phone ring, and when I heard his phone conversation end, my mom called me and said she would take me both there and back.
She’s actually leaving work early to take me there, when dad is perfectly capable of doing so and has nothing to do. How the fuck is my father that lazy and selfish? Why can’t he do something so simple? Or even if he couldn’t, why couldn’t he just be like, sure ride the bus there, when I offered. At this point, it doesn’t bother me as much that he cares so little about me, as it does that he does this to her. Like, really? He actually got her to leave work early to come get me, so he wouldn’t have to get up?
Last night, he slept with his new pocket knife on his nightstand, and my mom took it while he was asleep and hid it in another room, saying she wouldn’t sleep next to that, and even half joking that she didn’t want him to stab her in the middle of the night. Half joking, but she stayed out in the den instead of her room for at least an hour playing games on her phone, though she had clearly been tired and about to go to sleep before he came in.
I just feel like this is such bullshit. You know, I should be able to care that my dad is like this to me. Like, that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to expect from a dad. Like, okay, just take a second and back up from this a bit and look back. He doesn’t do anything that would make him being my father make sense. He doesn’t do anything a father is supposed to do. So much so that I don’t even ask him anymore. He doesn’t care about me at all. Like, he knows this is important and doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how I do in debate, he never tries to get involved, he doesn’t know anything about what’s happening in my life, like, literally anything, because he doesn’t care. He forgets who Sarah is all the time. He doesn’t know what my grades are like, because they’re good. When they’re alright, or he thinks they’re alright, he doesn’t know what they are. He forgets about them. He only cares when he happens to find out that they aren’t good.
I ask about his day, and I listen, and I listen to his stupid jokes, and I look at his stupid fucking sodahead questions and responces when he asks me to, I listen to his obnoxiously one-sided, hypocritical democrat rants, and he doesn’t give a fuck about me. He doesn’t hate me, he doesn’t love me, he just doesn’t care.
I’m not even asking him to care, I just asked that for once he do just one simple, fucking easy thing, that he just take two seconds to pretend he’s a real dad and do the one thing I’ve asked him to do in like, at least a solid fucking 2 months, when he has nothing else to do, and it requires basically no effort, and he doesn’t do it. I feel like with what he’s been like, the absolute least he could do is this.
I wish I had a real dad. Oh my god. These siblings I know have like, what I would call a perfect dad. Whenever I see him, I just think about what I would give for a dad like that. I think about the way they act around him, like, they don’t even know how fucking much somebody like me wishes they had a real dad like that. I would fucking love to be grounded by a dad for for a legitimate reason because that dad cares about who I turn out to be. I would fucking love that. I would fucking love to have a dad that is occasionally disappointed in me for doing what he know’s I’m better than doing. I don’t even like sports, but I would even fucking love a dad that taught me how to throw a football or something.
When I was little, I remember little real-dad things my dad did. They were surrounded by him calling me stupid or being inappropriately mean to me, but they were there. There’s really only one significant thing I remember. He used to walk me into preschool, and he would let me stand on top of his feet while he held my hands, and then he’d walk, and I’d walk on top of his feet. I don’t even think of him when I remember that anymore. I can’t picture the him I know doing that. I picture the man I used to watch while he shave in the morning, only he doesn’t have a face. Sometimes I don’t even think he’s real. Sometimes I think I just made up memories to feel like there was ever somebody who cared about me.
I know it’s kind of hard to watch, and it’s like, 7 mins long, but watch it so you can see what I’m talking about.
I definitely without a doubt call this abuse, but I’m going to focus on something even more fucked up: the way I think this couple is letting their relationship dynamics pour over into the disciplining of their daughter. I think the parents are into Domestic Discipline, or another form of lifestyle BDSM. Specifically, I think this is husband over wife DD. Here’s why:
First, the judge was totally using a BDSM/CDD/LDD vocabulary. “I’ll beat you into submission.” Nobody just says that out of the blue. Those are words that most people are uncomfortable saying or hearing. It takes some experience to feel like that’s an appropriate thing to say to a person.
Second, check out what the mother says. “You turn over like a 16-year-old and take it. Like a grown woman” Okay, what now? Uhm, since when do grown women turn over and take it? Since you and your husband practice a Domestic Discipline relationship, that’s when. And that’s really the only time.
Third, look at how uncomfortable the mother is in a position of authority. She feels the need to say more than she has to say. It’s like she’s forcing it. She doesn’t have confidence, but she wants to appear as if she does. Especially at the end. Also, at the end, when she’s talking to the girl, it’s like she feels remorse but is still trying to be an authority, because she’s so much softer with her tone, and then she seems to force out a harsher tone.
Fourth, when the mother goes to beat the girl, she only does it once. She makes the girl bend over herself and then just beats her once. I think it’s because the mother knows that all it really takes to make the girl submit is for her to bend over herself and take it, even just once. She knows that the effectiveness, the submission, is in the humiliation, not the pain. That’s one of the main reasons I think she’s experienced domestic discipline. She knows that once a person gives in and submits just once, the battle is basically over.
Fifth, the judge is so focused on the physical experience. It’s like he hasn’t experienced the other side. Pain is one of those things you can just swallow it and let it happen. You can accept pain without accepting submission. You can’t do that with humiliation. He just kept beating her. He was focused on that. He was trying to get her to bend over, but he didn’t stop after she did. He just wanted to make her physically suffer as much as he could. He also seemed to want to prolong it, where the mother seemed to want to keep it short. It’s like he enjoyed it. You won’t bend over? Fine, I’ll just keep beating your legs and arms until you do. That’s a man who’s used to control. Not just control, but control in this context. That’s why I think they’re in a male over female DD relationship, he’s never been in a submissive role, and he’s very confident in and used to what he’s doing.
Sixth, both of the parents, though most significantly the mother, seem wayyyy too comfortable with this girl’s crying and the violence they’re executing. Who do you know that’s comfortable doing, or even seeing that? Odds are, they’re kinky motherfuckers. Why? They’ve experienced it. That kind of violence is normalized for them. Now, maybe I wouldn’t say that if these people were super in to technology, but the Judge said he didn’t want a computer in the house, and that it caused too much trouble. So we know it’s not because he’s been exposed to tons of violence via the web. And it seems like that kind of attitude towards computers probably extents to the television: the other source of normalized violence that would be significant. So it seems unlikely that they would become comfortable with this kind of violence because of all of the t.v. they watch or anything like that.
So that’s pretty fucked up. I’m pretty fucking positive the couple is into M/f DD or BDSM, and I’m pretty sure it spills over into the way they discipline their daughter. I just thought I’d share the way this is analyzed from a perspective such as mine.
Sexy songggggg. When I listen to it, I prentend all the she’s are he’s. It’s totally like, a different song when you do that. It’s kind of interesting. People would call this song fucked up if the genders were reversed.
But this time it’s at Justin. He commented on this guy’s status about political shit, and he just doesn’t understand economics, or healthcare, or anything at all, and he’s an asshole. I just hate him so much. I wanted him to feel like shit. I called him to tell him he’s stupid. I’m good at knowing how he feels about things when he tries to hide it, and he did this thing that he does, where he sort of talks in this way, and I knew that he meant exactly the opposite of “I don’t care” when he said it. It gave me this feeling of satisfaction to know that it bothered him. I’ve been hostile with him in our past few interactions, and it’s like I feel he deserves it.
I just hate him with a kind of rage. I want to punch him, but I know it’ll hurt me more than it hurts him, ‘cause he’s kind of built now. I feel like it’d be like punching a wall. I just want somebody to make him feel like complete shit. A phrase that comes to mind is “put him in his place,” even though that’s not something I’d rationally condone.
I don’t even feel bad about it. Our friendship ended for me before it did for him, I think he finally understood that tonight. I don’t think we’ll ever talk again. I’m partly glad, but I partly want to be friends so I can take every opportunity to jab him.
I wish I could understand what’s making me feel like this.
